Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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