Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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