He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Who died my cat blue again?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
