i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
