hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
