Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
