so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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