I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Randomize
