I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
