I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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