come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
