There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
