When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
