I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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