Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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