dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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