i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
