There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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