Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Who died my cat blue again?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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