She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
