uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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