I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
