Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
