this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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