The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
