life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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