Sober January is a disaster.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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