I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
