Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize