fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
