goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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