so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Randomize
