But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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