Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize