what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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