goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
