nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize