awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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