every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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