Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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