i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
