i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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