there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
