Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
