So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
