my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
