I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
