She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the condom got lost in my hair
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
