Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
