I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Pants are for mortals
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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