Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
