I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
