There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
