so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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