There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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