got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
