someone get that fucking seahorse.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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