I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize