True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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