I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
