It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
