i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
