So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
