before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
