babies were throwing up all over the place
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
