Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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