A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
